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Unread 15-02-2008, 01:21 PM
My Name is Keith
 
Default The Odd Things You Do

1) When Mrs Keith is trying to tell me something important, I listen earnestly but can’t resist flashing the odd ‘gang sign’ at her. I don’t know which gang I'm flashing, it could be ****ing a vulcan hand signal for all I know but I can’t actually stop myself doing it and half the time, I’m not even aware I am doing it.

She was telling me about her mate who is really ill the other day but I still gang tagged her.

She ****ing hates me.

Btw. I’m white, middle class, approaching middle age and wear glasses.

2) Also, if Mrs Keith wants me to bring something over to her quickly like the phone, I will automatically AS A RULE bring it over to her adopting the Slick Rick ‘hip hop’ limp. The limp makes me get there slower and this irritates her. If she says 'hurry up', I simply limp faster.

She ****ing hates me. I am ****ing tedious.

3) If the kids don’t do something that I have asked them to do, I give them one further warning before launching into a full-on rendition of “Wild Boys” by Duran Duran. No idea why I use Wild Boys - only that it's ****ing awful.

I do try to sing it seriously though, often with my eyes closed and often using a finger in my ear to hit the right key. It doesn’t matter if we are in Tesco or at home – them’s the ****ing rules.

They’re like shit off a shovel after that but they do hate me. All of them.

4) We took the kids to Church the other week and there was a bloke there who was wearing a body warmer which looked like a suit jacket with the arms cut off. It had lapels and everything. It looked like it was made out of a thick Hessian type material.

I've never seen anything quite like it in the whole of my life.

I said to Mrs Keith that I wouldn't be able to leave the church until I had touched it. Her face dropped.

I planned it all out whilst the service was on - how could I get close, who would see me, where was the toilet located, could I use an emergency phone call as cover?

You'll be pleased to know that I did manage to sweep past him and touch it towards the end of the service. But it was an odd contrived manoeuvre which attracted a lot of unwanted attention from the congregation. But boy, it was worth it.

5) Again in Church. I was attending a carol service which my kids were singing at. I was sat next to one of Mrs Keith's friends. For reasons I will never truly understand, my p**** enlarged into a quite vociferous semi during the service which was strangled down my leg (against it’s natural will) due to the position I was sat in. The trouser I was wearing clearly showed a most prominent bulge. What do I do? What will people think? Well, I’ll find out. Whilst singing, I nudged Mrs Keith's friend and pointed (using my eyes) towards the bulge.

She doesn’t actually know me that well but accepted the sight of my semi with surprising grace and humility.

Well done Jo!


I do have more but I'll wait and see if anyone else out there does their own odd stuff first.
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:28 PM
jaffo
 
Default

If the kids try and argue why they shouldn’t have to do a chore I listen carefully to them and then immediately throw an ‘Elvis’ stance and sing ‘ah but-a baby I don’t care’ in my best Elvis voice. I do this every time and they ****ing hate it.
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:29 PM
Fuzzy Dunlop
 
Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by My Name is Keith

5) Again in Church. I was attending a carol service which my kids were singing at. I was sat next to one of Mrs Keith's friends. For reasons I will never truly understand, my p**** enlarged into a quite vociferous semi during the service which was strangled down my leg (against it’s natural will) due to the position I was sat in. The trouser I was wearing clearly showed a most prominent bulge. What do I do? What will people think? Well, I’ll find out. Whilst singing, I nudged Mrs Keith's friend and pointed (using my eyes) towards the bulge.

She doesn’t actually know me that well but accepted the sight of my semi with surprising grace and humility.
.
Nice.
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:32 PM
no fun
 
Default

how reassuring to know its not just me

at the peg sellers christmas do this year there was a bloke there with his wife who was a complete mentalist. He looked like baldrick off blackadder, his wife was 2 foot taller than him, and they danced like pinky and perky

for some reason, i just knew i had to speak to him

the peg seller threatened never to speak to me again if i did, but that was just an added incentive

after he and his wife had finished dancing to "love grows where my rosemary goes" I made my move

he was sat on his wifes knee, and as I approached him I had no idea what I was going to say

it just blurted out......" you two look like ray allen and lord charles"

oh how they laughed

Last edited by no fun; 15-02-2008 at 01:36 PM.
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:34 PM
no fun
 
Default

being the father of 3 boys, i often get accused of favouritism

i have a stock answer........

"yes, but I like him more than you"


shuts them up straight away
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:35 PM
wonky no
 
Default

Quote:
) If the kids don’t do something that I have asked them to do, I give them one further warning before launching into a full-on rendition of “Wild Boys” by Duran Duran. No idea why I use Wild Boys - only that it's ****ing awful.

I do try to sing it seriously though, often with my eyes closed and often using a finger in my ear to hit the right key. It doesn’t matter if we are in Tesco or at home – them’s the ****ing rules.

i'm in favour of your tactics and shall adopt them myself. i'll use a different song obviously.
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:36 PM
jaffo
 
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by no fun
how reassuring to know its not just me

at the peg sellers christmas do this year there was a bloke there with his wife who was a complete mentalist. He looked like baldrick off blackadder, his wife was 2 foot taller than him, and they danced like pinky and perky

for some reason, i just knew i had to speak to him

the peg seller threatened never to speak to me again if i did, but that was just an added incentive

after he and his wife had finished dancing to "love grows where my rosemary goes" I made my move

he was sat on his wifes knee, and as I approached him I had no idea what I was going to say

it just blurted out......" you two look llike ray allen and lord charles"

oh how they laughed
I trust you and Mrs No Fun 'got down' to that one as well?
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:36 PM
1MUFC
 
Default

Feeling that i need to post on here
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:37 PM
no fun
 
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jaffo
I trust you and Mrs No Fun 'got down' to that one as well?
jaffo, my views on dancing are well documented on this forum

women and trouser botherers only
 
Unread 15-02-2008, 01:39 PM
magic_cantona
 
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by My Name is Keith
1) When Mrs Keith is trying to tell me something important, I listen earnestly but can’t resist flashing the odd ‘gang sign’ at her. I don’t know which gang I'm flashing, it could be ****ing a vulcan hand signal for all I know but I can’t actually stop myself doing it and half the time, I’m not even aware I am doing it.

She was telling me about her mate who is really ill the other day but I still gang tagged her.

She ****ing hates me.

Btw. I’m white, middle class, approaching middle age and wear glasses.

2) Also, if Mrs Keith wants me to bring something over to her quickly like the phone, I will automatically AS A RULE bring it over to her adopting the Slick Rick ‘hip hop’ limp. The limp makes me get there slower and this irritates her. If she says 'hurry up', I simply limp faster.

She ****ing hates me. I am ****ing tedious.

3) If the kids don’t do something that I have asked them to do, I give them one further warning before launching into a full-on rendition of “Wild Boys” by Duran Duran. No idea why I use Wild Boys - only that it's ****ing awful.

I do try to sing it seriously though, often with my eyes closed and often using a finger in my ear to hit the right key. It doesn’t matter if we are in Tesco or at home – them’s the ****ing rules.

They’re like shit off a shovel after that but they do hate me. All of them.

4) We took the kids to Church the other week and there was a bloke there who was wearing a body warmer which looked like a suit jacket with the arms cut off. It had lapels and everything. It looked like it was made out of a thick Hessian type material.

I've never seen anything quite like it in the whole of my life.

I said to Mrs Keith that I wouldn't be able to leave the church until I had touched it. Her face dropped.

I planned it all out whilst the service was on - how could I get close, who would see me, where was the toilet located, could I use an emergency phone call as cover?

You'll be pleased to know that I did manage to sweep past him and touch it towards the end of the service. But it was an odd contrived manoeuvre which attracted a lot of unwanted attention from the congregation. But boy, it was worth it.

5) Again in Church. I was attending a carol service which my kids were singing at. I was sat next to one of Mrs Keith's friends. For reasons I will never truly understand, my p**** enlarged into a quite vociferous semi during the service which was strangled down my leg (against it’s natural will) due to the position I was sat in. The trouser I was wearing clearly showed a most prominent bulge. What do I do? What will people think? Well, I’ll find out. Whilst singing, I nudged Mrs Keith's friend and pointed (using my eyes) towards the bulge.

She doesn’t actually know me that well but accepted the sight of my semi with surprising grace and humility.

Well done Jo!


I do have more but I'll wait and see if anyone else out there does their own odd stuff first.
Best post ever.
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