Team v Spurs

Whatever team he picks, we could be playing in orange and marigold tomorrow

In a bid to dispel the stench of failure and decay around Old Trafford following their stunning 5-0 defeat to Liverpool on Sunday, Manchester United have announced hastily cobbled together plans to immediately rebrand as Metated.

The club’s image as a global engagement leader suffered huge damage on Sunday afternoon as their players tripped over one another in their efforts to help Liverpool score as many times as possible in 90 minutes.

“Not even a video of Ronaldo picking his nose or filing a tax return could stop the tidal wave of lols at United on social channels after Maguire and Shaw ran into each other. The numbers went through the floor,” said one source within the club.

Indeed, United’s social media analysts were so disturbed by metrics that showed “United” and the Pop emoji appeared at record rates together that it was deemed a total rebrand was required.

“There was a time when everyone and their mother was a United follower of some sort, but now, much like Facebook, they only seem to exist to wind yer da up.”

Whatsapp’s servers suffered a brief outage on Sunday evening due to what the company described as “an overwhelming use of the cry-laughing smiley” in group chats.

It means that the club will now rebrand to Metated, with a new logo, club colours and new selection of kits all to follow in the coming weeks.

“The Man United brand was dead when Mo Salah dinked in number five. Metated shows it’s now got a new focus, new energy, new dynamism,” a club spokesman said.

When asked if a new manager would not make more sense, they explained how, “Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s willingness to embrace the new – new tactics like no defence, new players like Donny van de Beek and Jadon Sancho, and new targets like aiming for the top 6 and a Europa League quarter-finals exit this season – as well as his place in the Man United legacy brand history, shows he’s the perfect candidate to lead us through this time of change.”

“At least until we can get Conte to sign a contract.”

For now, the club will wear blue-and-white, with kits to be revealed ahead of their visit to Tottenham on Saturday, though the colours will change in line with trends as determined by the analytics department.

“Can’t wait to see Pogba dab in our cerise and silver Europa Conference League kit next season #gloryglorymetated.”

Originally Posted by Neo

A line-up without Ronaldo isn't fit for purpose, btw.

perhaps, like you, his best position is mocking from the sidelines?

if all he does is score last minute winners, we don't need him for the chasing down and covering back bits. but, if he is prepared to be more than a goal-hanger, I wouldn't reject him.

Originally Posted by jem

de gea

wan b - lindelof - varane - maguire - shaw

The Scottish Player - matic

bruno

greenwood - rashford

no excuse for wan b or shaw to drift inside. wan b not allowed in the opposition half. front three run themselves into the ground before we bring on ronaldo and cavani to deliver the coup de grace.

Greenwood and Rashers running themselves into the ground?

Not sure if you’ve been keeping up on current events but they are lazier than Onslow after his Christmas Lunch.

Irritatingly though, it’s the right plan. It’s the right tent, just the wrong desert.

Originally Posted by Bishovetz

Whatever team he picks, we could be playing in orange and marigold tomorrow

In a bid to dispel the stench of failure and decay around Old Trafford following their stunning 5-0 defeat to Liverpool on Sunday, Manchester United have announced hastily cobbled together plans to immediately rebrand as Metated.

The club’s image as a global engagement leader suffered huge damage on Sunday afternoon as their players tripped over one another in their efforts to help Liverpool score as many times as possible in 90 minutes.

“Not even a video of Ronaldo picking his nose or filing a tax return could stop the tidal wave of lols at United on social channels after Maguire and Shaw ran into each other. The numbers went through the floor,” said one source within the club.

Indeed, United’s social media analysts were so disturbed by metrics that showed “United” and the Pop emoji appeared at record rates together that it was deemed a total rebrand was required.

“There was a time when everyone and their mother was a United follower of some sort, but now, much like Facebook, they only seem to exist to wind yer da up.”

Whatsapp’s servers suffered a brief outage on Sunday evening due to what the company described as “an overwhelming use of the cry-laughing smiley” in group chats.

It means that the club will now rebrand to Metated, with a new logo, club colours and new selection of kits all to follow in the coming weeks.

“The Man United brand was dead when Mo Salah dinked in number five. Metated shows it’s now got a new focus, new energy, new dynamism,” a club spokesman said.

When asked if a new manager would not make more sense, they explained how, “Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s willingness to embrace the new – new tactics like no defence, new players like Donny van de Beek and Jadon Sancho, and new targets like aiming for the top 6 and a Europa League quarter-finals exit this season – as well as his place in the Man United legacy brand history, shows he’s the perfect candidate to lead us through this time of change.”

“At least until we can get Conte to sign a contract.”

For now, the club will wear blue-and-white, with kits to be revealed ahead of their visit to Tottenham on Saturday, though the colours will change in line with trends as determined by the analytics department.

“Can’t wait to see Pogba dab in our cerise and silver Europa Conference League kit next season #gloryglorymetated.”

Cheers

Originally Posted by 92ToBury

If you think Ole still being in charge is the lowest low, then you're a bigger moron than I had you down for. Even if you want to twist things after being called out as the absolute drama queen you are, the lowest low of the last 30 years was the Glazers taking over. I marched down Sir Matt Busby Way several times to protest that. Then again, you wouldn't know where that is. You're one of the knee jerk £#%&!ers who buzz of the latest social media shitposts and think you're a massive red without never having been. Plastic @#%&!.

Haha, did you get the bad rep too? He's a £#%&!ing tedious #@&%!.

Originally Posted by red in cumbria

I mean, what so strange about it? You've been as vocal and eloquent as anyone about what a profoundly traumatic experience it was.



Well there's already Hoffenheim isn't there.



Ged doesn't post much these days, but he might be older I think? Nobody else springs to mind really.

Ged is six months younger than me.

Originally Posted by jem

de gea

wan b - lindelof - varane - maguire - shaw

The Scottish Player - matic

bruno

greenwood - rashford

no excuse for wan b or shaw to drift inside. wan b not allowed in the opposition half. front three run themselves into the ground before we bring on ronaldo and cavani to deliver the coup de grace.

As good as….

Originally Posted by redhegemony

As good as….

he got the gist. ;0)

Originally Posted by otbarney

Ged is six months younger than me.

So that makes you the Methuselah of Fred, no?