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Who is our thickest player?
I don’t expect them to be rocket scientists, but:
1. Regullion gets booked in the first half for asking the referee to book a Bournemouth player. So what does Hojland do the first time he gets fouled.? 2. Bruno. Opens his mouth and what happens next? Has anyone ever seen a referee change his mind because a player moaned? Neither may be fair, but life isn’t. Read the room and adapt to it. |
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I have often wondered this, and observed, analysed and thought about the same question many times. Often I lay awake at night thinking about it.
My conclusion lands on Luke Shaw. Even after the horrendous injury, he's retained a thick-set muscle mass throughout his body, but particularly the lower half. The match day socks conceal impressive calves, and then moving up to the thighs and hamstrings, one can see the powerful results of heavy curls, leg extensions and squats. Of course, the gluteus maximus is what we all focus on more than anything else when it comes to assessing true 'thickness', and this is where Luke steps even further ahead of the competition IMHO. My man must be hitting Romanian deadlifts and hip thrusts on a regular basis, because his buttocks almost burst through those tight shorts. I don't think any other player in the squad has a gluteul region that comes close. Of course, for the upper body region there doesn't seem to be a standout leader since Paul Pogba departed, but perhaps a debate for another thread... |
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Some have written off Andre, but i find myself enjoying his slow-mo dives and watching those yams ripple like water, as he handles balls with an elegance and grace I can only liken to a prime Angela White. He’s thickset up top, but my word, those thighs are a thing of beauty. Utterly mouth watering to observe him in full flow. Have often imagined the smell in the dressing room post-match; I bet it’s intoxicating. Big, thick, sweaty cheeks. A real bubble butt. The boy is thicc, and I think he’s taken Sheezy’s crown. |
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The depressing aspect to this is that there is such a broad range of candidates.
Is it Sancho who is so think he can’t accept that the manager of the team holds a higher place on the authority ladder than him? Could it be Luke Shaw, who literally wears the story of how stupid he is in the infantile scribble that passes for tattoos on one of his arms? Or, is one of our Portuguese prats with their inability to realise that thumping the ball from anywhere on the pitch towards the stand at the other end of the pitch doesn’t necessarily count as either a chance or a goalscoring opportunity? Unfortunately, and I mean that sincerely, it’s none of that band of utter simpletons, though it could and should be any of them. No, our stand-out thicko has to be the one with the greatest footballing ability of the lot of them, who sandlot has paired that ability with the smallest brain a human can possibly operate with. Antony Martial, the prize is yours. A man who, at the age of 28, has to be told when to go to bed and when to get up by his mum; who can’t operate to the strict requirements of the club’s dietary instructions because he likes the fact that cocoa-pops turn his milk brown; who forgoes the muscle healing qualities of ice baths because he likes his to be lukewarm at the very least. An absolute vegetable who, were he to commit a crime, would not be considered mentally competent enough to stand trial. A moron who’s IQ is so low he wouldn’t be allowed to join the army, a cretin who thinks standing about on the pitch for an hour or so one or two Saturdays a season constitutes fulfilling the role of a professional centre forward. And yet, despite all this, on the back of a great midweek victory, with momentum key to the next few difficult and challenging weeks of this year’s campaign, our manager decided to pick him for today’s game. |
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I will be sure to pay closer attention during our next game. #OnanaWatch Quote:
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