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Unread 13-03-2012, 10:00 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: Raheem Sterling to Spurs?

Today's tittle-tattle woke up at 6am with the realisation that it was back at work after a month in Africa

According to today's Daily Mail, Tottenham are sitting in their small suburban bedroom staring mournfully at photos of 17-year-old teen heart throb Raheem Sterling of smash hit sensations Liverpool reserves and wondering what his favourite colour is and if he likes long romantic walks in the rain. Sterling isn't getting a go under Kenny Dalglish despite looking good on YouTube and shaping up a bit like a non-demented Ravel Morrison. "A source" – ie his agent/greedy uncle – lists various grievances, including "broken promises" over the amount of games he'd get in the first team this season, albeit no team anywhere has ever been run on the basis of promising someone with any accuracy they'll be in the team six months down the line. Sterling has yet to make his debut. He is also 17 years old.

Harry Redknapp is also keen to cram the squirming, tethered, boggle-eyed figure of Marseilles striker Loïc Rémy into the same car boot that already contains Lille sprite Eden Hazard. Ongoing flavour of the last six months, Rémy has scored nine goals in 21 games so far this season. He is 25 years old. "My future? We will speak about it at the appropriate time," he said yesterday, doing a tied-up-in-Harry-Redknapp's-car-boot mime, followed by an impersonation of a glum-faced man in a tracksuit sitting two rows back behind the goalkeeping coach on the Spurs bench for the next three years.

Paul Pogba is about to "perform a dramatic U-turn" and stay at Manchester United. Given that he's not gone anywhere yet this would probably be more a case of performing a dramatic engine-stall, or a dramatic not-turning-the-ignition-key-at-all and instead just staying on the driveway.

Australian midfielder Brett Holman will sign for Aston Villa from FC Twente at the end of the season. "Villa have a long and prestigious history in English football and a fantastic set of fans," Holman smarmed yesterday.

In the Daily Mirror, Villa's ace scouting network has unearthed evidence that hulking goal-Cossack Pavel Pogrebnyak might have what it takes to score goals in the Premier League. Pogrebnyak is currently on loan at Fulham and developing a delightful bromantic buddy-act with Andy Johnson that involves Johnson laughing and jumping on his back a lot while Pogrebnyak scores all the goals Johnson hasn't scored but secretly wishes he has. The Russian has allegedly been "on the radar" at Villa Park for three years. He's a free agent in May when his contract with Stuttgart ends. The Mill smells an unseemly bidding war, an overheated weekly wage and a champagne-quaffing agent with a new summer house.

The Mirror also claims Wayne Rooney has said "slowly-slow-catchy-monkey". In fact he has "grinned" it, as in: "Slowly-slowly-catchy-monkey for United grins Rooney". Actual quote from Wayne Rooney: "There's a long way to go, but it's nice to get to the top of the league". The monkey thing is better.

Blackburn duo Míchel Salgado and Vince Grella may sign for clubs in the MLS. Salgado is in talks with Sporting Kansas City and Grella is wanted by the Philadelphia Boneless Chicken Buckets.

The Mirror also reports that the crying Manchester City fan from TV coverage of the defeat at Swansea is attempting to become some kind of replica-shirted cyberspace semi-celebrity. "Time to set the record straight ! ! 1. I'm the city fan, 2 I wasent crying , just frustrated" the crying fan blubbed on Twitter, great dripping ropes of snot protruding from both nostrils. Yes you were.

According to Goal.com, defensive midfield scurrier Yann M'Vila will be on the move in the summer. "Yann M'Vila won't be a Stade Rennais player next season," manager Frédéric Antonetti has said on Radio Monte Carlo, the No1 destination for all your smooth-soul tax-dodging sounds. Arsenal and Real Madrid are already both in a funk.

And in The Sun, Ian Wright says "Man City will turn to José Mourinho if Roberto Mancini's title bid fails", ideally doing so while skipping about in a tailcoat and a monocle and affecting a plummy accent in the manner of the exuberant "posh" character from his Chicken Tonight adverts. He doesn't have any evidence of anything. It's just his opinion.

Barney Ronay

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