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Unread 18-10-2011, 09:40 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: Manchester United to sign the next Modric?

Today's rumours are more tempted by the lone olive than the hunk of beef

According to Tuesday's Daily Mail Chelsea are poised to launch a sensational swoop for the 17-year-old Argentinian Lucas Ocampos, also known as "the new Cristiano Ronaldo". Ocampos plays on the left wing for River Plate, is 6ft 2in, does stepovers, enjoys taking five minutes out of the game to deliberately toe-poke a free-kick 20 yards over the crossbar and plans to develop huge flaring neck muscles that will make his head look tiny and lost, like a lone olive perched on the top of a vast hunk of beef. Inter, Bayern Munich, Liverpool and Manchester United are all also interested.

Also in the Mail David Beckham's move to Paris St-Germain may have something to do with him being used to "promote Al Jazeera Sports", which has the rights to broadcast Ligue 1 from next year. Beckham is also weighing up an offer to dance like a funny little man in return for a pocket full of beans and a deal that would involve enduring the hell of eternal damnation in return for a single year writing a series of groundbreaking blues songs.

According to Tuesday's Mirror Robin van Persie will not sign for Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, Paris St-Germain or Roberto Carlos-helmed Dagestan regional development agency vehicle Anzhi. For completeness other things Van Persie will probably not do in the next transfer window include attempting to scale Everest in traditional Victorian-style leather shoes and a hat made out of beaver whiskers, recording an album of very special duets with Barbara d***son and joining the Tooting Socialist Workers Party to protest full-time about the closure of local libraries. Van Persie will have one year left on his contract at the end of the season.

Chelsea are after Chilean defender Igor Lichnovsky. Lichnovsky is 17 years old and plays for Universidad de Chile. Nigel Clough will this week attempt to "scare off Mick McCarthy" by starting contract talks with 19-year-old guitar hero hybrid Jeff Hendrick. Hendrick is attracting unwanted attention from Fulham, West Brom and scary Mick. Stoke and Newcastle are both in a funk over Cyrus Christie, Coventry's 18-year-old right-back. And Birmingham are "braced" for a new transfer tug of love over central defensive timebomb Liam Ridgewell, who you may know from such roles as Mickey Pearce in Only Fools and horses. Southampton are the most likely suitors.

The Sun has a sensational EXCLUSIVE about something that might happen if specific other things happen beforehand in the right order. The "thing" in this case is Arsène Wenger leaving Arsenal. Something that will only happen if a series of things that mean Wenger has to leave Arsenal happen first. "ARSENE WENGER admits his Arsenal reign could end unless results improve," the Sun extrapolates. Actual Wenger words: "I'm in a job where results count and they decide your future." But still. The fact remains that if Wenger had said some slightly different words he would have said those other words. And all sentences are just words arranged in a slightly different order each time.

Wenger also "revealed" that half his team wanted to leave in the summer. Next week: Wenger reveals exclusively that he likes wearing large padded floor length puffa-gowns and that he comes from France.

David Moyes is soothing his red raw unblinking eyes beneath two chilled chunks of cucumber and fretting quietly about "wonderkid Ross Barkley". "I am worried, yeah," Moyes said. "But if you're going to come and try to take our better players we don't sell cheap, that's for sure." Middlesbrough are about to sign 27-year-old Nigerian goal ace Bartholomew Ogbeche who has impressed on a trial. Also in the Sun Argentina's most immature team, Boca Juniors, are preparing "an ambitious bid" for Carlos Tevez. Vice-president Jose Beraldi said: "We will make an attempt for Carlos Tevez, who is not playing at Manchester City. We know it will be difficult but we will try." He also added "this is his home. He grew up at the club." It might be his home. But the Mill wouldn't go any further than that.

And according to Goal.com Manchester United are "in pole position" in the race to sign teenage Dinamo Zagreb midfielder Mateo Kovacic. Kovacic is 17-years-old, plays in a Luka Modric-style attacking midfield role and appears to have a pushy and ambitious agent. United are said to be confident of "beating off the competition", which is one way of doing business.

Barney Ronay

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