Big Sam's twitter page

cracker

"In Manchester, the place where Sir Alex resides, but he's not here. It's like pulling down Jessica Alba's pants & finding a big chubby #@&%!"

Woke the wife up last night, doing the Haka all up in her grill. She was £#%&!ing petrified. Hilarious stuff.

Don't know the words to the Haka so I just muttered the lyrics to 'Deeply Dippy' by Right Said Fred. It was still extraordinarily powerful.

Couldn't find a black shirt either, so just wrapped a bin bag around me. I still looked incredible though.

She thinks I'm an intruder and screams: "Don't hurt me! My husband is a @#%&!!" What the £#%&! does that even mean? Makes no sense.

I was planning to ride her with loads of sexy, rugby role-playing moves - tries, scrums, Will Carlings - thrown in, but she annoyed me.

Just went to my study instead & wrote in my journal. Then had a Kit Kat that turned out to be all chocolate. So bit of a result in the end.

£#%&! me, this lad's a genius just laughed so much I need toilet

Originally Posted by razzle

£#%&! me, this lad's a genius just laughed so much I need toilet

Can't believe he's kept it going so long

Those chicken farmers who bought blackburn, then sacked sam "to appoint a big name", but instead gve the job to an unknown... reckon they saw this and believed it to be true, especially the bit about dressing up as a chicken ?

Might explain the sacking...

Just denied it's his on Goals On Sunday.

Originally Posted by Dueling Banjos

Just denied it's his on Goals On Sunday.

I think everybody knew that anyway - didn't they??

Originally Posted by red in cumbria

I think everybody knew that anyway - didn't they??

Originally Posted by Dueling Banjos

Just denied it's his on Goals On Sunday.

Big Sam threw Ben Shepherd and Kammy off the scent masterfully this morning. Don't want those dweebs reading my thoughts and proclamations.

Originally Posted by taff

Apols fo the repost - but this is funny

TheBig_Sam
"Here, Big Sam," my neighbour shouted with a muffled giggle over the garden fence. "You fancy the Egypt job now it's available?"

"No," I replied with a steely glare. "I £#%&!ing hate Africans. Don't you?"

Straight away I'd turned the tables & put him on the back foot. He shuffled and mumbled "I guess so... I mean, I guess I don't trust them.."

"I'm only messing," I interjected. "They're a marvellous people. Full of joy & courage. Surprised at you though, Ray. Bit of a racist?"

He tried to be smart & I exposed him for the disgrace he is. I left in triumph, leaving him caught up in a wreckage of shame & humiliation.

I done Ray like a kipper. A big racist kipper with shit hair and a daughter I'd love to rattle into. Megan. God, she's a belter.

Originally Posted by red in cumbria

I think everybody knew that anyway - didn't they??

Think he'd get a whole load of respect if it turned it really was him.

Maybe he was double bluffing on Goals on Sunday when he said it wasn't him...

His tweets last week about that managers awards night were superb.

What the £#%&! is on Jonathan Ross' face? The big tart looks like he should be floucing about, thwarting Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds.

Just watching the BAFTAs. That lass from Harry Potter is like a sexy Peter Pan.

funny £#%&!er

Southgate says to me last night: "Did you know you're really big in Denmark, Sammy?"

Before I've time to reply he adds: "But then again you're big everywhere, fatso." Then he giggles like a @#%&! & tries to high-five the crew.

There's no way Southgate can come up with his own jokes. I've seen him in tears during episodes of 'My Family' cos he's been so confused.

Someone else put him up to it. Makes no odds, though. I had to make an example out of him.

I grabbed him by the nose & pulled him through the streets of Copenhagen, imploring the townsfolk to "come see the big-honked eagle man".

It was hilarious. Was like a scene from 'The Elephant Man', everyone recoiling in horror at the freakish sight of this abomination of a man.

I made him "fly" around the square like an eagle and fetch a field mouse for his supper. He was in £#%&!ing tears by the end.

"This is worse than Euro 96," he sobbed, with his massive conk smothered in snot.

I took pity on him & brought him back to the hotel. I ordered him some pineapple chunks & read a bit of Harry Potter before he dozed off.

He'd learnt his lesson. He's normally a harmless little dork, to be fair. He won't take on the might of Big Sam again, that's for sure.

£#%&!ing hell

Comic genius imo.

Shame is, he's probably an unemployed writer and he won't get recognition deserved as the football idiots on twitter abuse him as the irony is completely lost.

The @#%&!s have banned him. #freebigsam get on it!

the visits to Phil Brown, who now lives in a tin bathtub in his front garden and believes himself to be Aslan

ffs

Originally Posted by RedMenace

The @#%&!s have banned him. #freebigsam get on it!

Cannot believe they've done that...

Paul merson's back though