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Unread 23-09-2010, 09:20 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: David de Gea to Manchester United?

Today's fluff is too bunged up to care

The Daily Mirror reports that Alex Ferguson wants to buy the 19-year-old Atlético Madrid "wonder keeper" David de Gea. De Gea is Spain's under-21 goalkeeper and just missed out on going to the World Cup. He also looks troublingly perky and has goalkeeper-kryptonite fashionable spiky hair. The Mill is already picturing a debilitating succession of second half corners away at Blackburn Rovers: the jostling, the barging, the squealed complaints to the ref.

Harry Redknapp is still after Everton's Stephen Pienaar, who doesn't feel his new contract offer contains sufficient amounts of unnecessary excess disposable income. Fulham may yet try to sign the Crystal Palace goalkeeper Julian Speroni. "I don't try to mix things. One thing is what happens off the pitch and the other is what I do on it," Speroni is quoted as saying, presumably while leaping across his living room carpet attempting to "get a good clean punch on" a small nest of occasional tables.

Plymouth Argyle's manager, Peter Reid - some small part of whom is still, after all, these years jogging very slowly across the Azteca Stadium pitch in forlorn pursuit of Diego Maradona - wants a loan of Hull City's Hungarian winger Peter Halmosi. Wesley Sneijder has ruled out a return to Real Madrid from Internazionale. "We're talking about a contract extension with Internazionale because I wanna stay here in Milan," he wrote on Twitter, using the word "wanna" to create a sense of playful immediacy.

The Wolfsburg striker Edin Dzeko is sad he didn't seal a big money move to Juventus over the summer. "I cannot hide my disappointment," Dzeko told Tuttosport, emptying out both pockets to reveal only a small swarm of clothes moths.

And news that the Derby County goalkeeper Stephen Bywater has been forced to cover up a self-created "erotic art installation" in his back garden after complaints from neighbours. "The makeshift exhibition… included wind chimes, a blow-up doll embellished with rubber genitalia and a portable toilet covered in graffiti... One of the mottos, painted on the side of a disused toilet block, coupled with a bright blue horse box, reads "piece and love" (sic)."

The Mill thinks it sounds quite good. Stick it in a loft in Shoreditch, wear a mask, change his name to something mysterious like "Seeyouenntee" and he'll have a retrospective at the White Cube before you know it.

In this morning's Stodgy, Sullen, Salacious, Sweaty-Palmed Super Soaraway Sun: more sleaze. Albeit this time A-list sleaze (also entirely unproven presumed innocent type sleaze).

"A hooker's claim that David Beckham had a threesome with her and another vice girl was rubbished last night as a ridiculous smear." A personage now known as "Bosnian-born Irma" says England's greatest, brave, hobbling midfield horse "paid £1,500 to watch a lesbian romp before having sex with the second girl, described as a "curvy brunette"."

An official Beckham statement has already established none of this can possibly be true: "He was in New York at the time this woman suggests but any Tom, d*** or Harry could find that out on the internet. He wasn't even staying at the hotel she has suggested. He was at the Waldorf Astoria." Well. That's that then.

In the Daily Mail, Disney have sensationally decided not to sponsor Chelsea any more and to go for Manchester City instead. "When the deal with Chelsea expires next year, Disney plan to associate themselves with the club they clearly see as the future of English football." Which almost sounds like it could be a brilliant piece of snide, The Onion-style satire.

Manchester United are "on red-alert" after Sneijder's contract talks at Inter reportedly "stalled". It's almost as though people just write things on Twitter and you shouldn't take them as hard fact to be parroted in a national newspaper.

Arsenal are after another Ajax-based Belgian central defender: this time it's Jan Vertonghen. Barcelona and Juventus are also keen.

And according to the Vancouver Sun, via Goal.com, the Vancouver Whitecaps want to sign poor old Owen Hargreaves. The club's president, Bob Lenarduzzi, has said: "Given his background, if he was thinking of coming back or moving on, we'd certainly love to chat with him." And Edinson Cavani's agent says Liverpool have not reached an agreement to sign which is, in the Mill's opinion, probably a good thing for the future happiness of all parties concerned, with the sole exception of Edinson Cavani's agent.

Barney Ronay

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