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Unread 13-04-2010, 09:30 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: Karim Benzema and David Silva to Manchester United? | Barry Glendenning

Today's tittle-tattle has just

With the sun shining and the birds singing as the Rumour Mill left the two-up, two-down square panelled wattle-and-daub hovel we call home this morning, there was a discernible spring in our step. Admittedly, it was largely down to the tangled Slinky which hobbled us as we skipped merrily down the stairs before tripping up and skidding face first across the hall and through the cat-flap in the front door with a loud crash. But even without the help of this rogue childhood staple, we reckon the crispness of this morning would almost certainly have sent us to work with something approaching vim and vigour anyway.

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson will hope to be energised by the same muscularity of spirit when he attempts to talk his gnomic American overlord Malcolm Irving Glazer into parting with £60m, which he plans to spend on Real Madrid's French international striker Karim Benzema and Valencia's Spanish international wingery-No10-strikery-type utility man David Silva. While it is believed that Glazer is prepared to make funds available to Ferguson, the Rumour Mill understands he may try to fob Fergie off by offering offensive linesmen Xavier Fulton, Jeremy Zuttah and his pick of the cheerleading squad at his Tampa Bay Buccaneers American football franchise instead.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is reportedly ready to "pump in the required funds" to bring highly sought after Valencia striker David Villa to Stamford Bridge, but is torn between using a SandPiper compressed-air-powered double-diaphragm pump or a more traditional Roots-type positive displacement pump, which clued-in readers will know achieves its low pulsation rate and gentle performance due to a combination of two 90° helical twisted rotors, and a triangular shaped sealing line configuration, both at the point of suction and at the point of discharge. Should Abramovich land his man for an estimated £50m, he would be forced to continue pumping £200,000 per week into the Spaniard's bank account as a result of the recent tax hike imposed on high earners by Labour that doesn't effect the Rumour Mill in any way shape or form and almost certainly never will.

In other Manchester United and Chelsea-related transfer news, an ashen-faced Network Rail ticket inspector the Rumour Mill saw smoking outside Kings Cross train station as we made our way to the office told us that neither Manchester United nor Chelsea will secure the scrawl of Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez, who wishes to remain at Ajax. "United could also miss out on Schalke goalkeeper and recent Mill staple Manuel Neuer," she added, tapping her nose conspiratorially. "He's also wanted by Bayern Munich."

Eljero Elia, who plays for Hamburg, is set to become the latest disaffected, sullen Dutch winger to end up kicking his heels on the subs bench at Anfield, while the Mr 15% of Arsenal defender Bacary Sagna claims he has held "informal talks" with Inter over a summer move for his client to Milan. With William Gallas reported to be stalling over inking a new deal, the Daily Mail reports that Arsenal want to sign Uruguay defender Martin Caceres as Arsène Wenger seeks to bolster his defence. On loan at Juventus from Barcelona, Caceres is renowned for his versatility and can play at right-back, left-back or in the centre of defence. More recently, he was deployed as a large Georgian gothic dining chair at a dinner party staged by Juve president Jean-Claude Blanc.

Meanwhile at the City of Manchester Stadium, the money men have been studying recordings of Benfica's Europa League capitulation against Liverpool last Thursday night and decided that Paraguayan striker Oscar Cardozo would look good in sky-blue. Mindful of their self-imposed rule of having no more than one Paraguayan in their squad at any one time, that one the Mill has just made up, City will ship out Roque Santa Cruz to Tottenham, whose manager Harry Redknapp is impressed by the Asunción native's record of having once scored quite a few goals in one season for Bayern Munich and not done much since.

While the Rumour Mill is trying to see how big a pyramid it can make with upturned empties in a well-known London park this summer, Everton will be trying to sign Inter midfielder Sulley Muntari and Manchester United will be trying to offload Dimitar Berbatov, who doesn't even look as smouldering, cool and handsome as he once did, now that his hairline is receding at a speed fans can only dream of seeing him run at. Despite having proved an overwhelming success in his role as club scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in matches in which he features and some in which he doesn't, the languid Bulgarian will be sold in order to raise much-needed funds to pay for something or someone that costs considerably less than the £30m Sir Alex Ferguson paid for him.
Barry Glendenning

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