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Unread 12-02-2010, 10:50 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: David Luiz to Manchester United? | Barry Glendenning

Today's tell-all believes words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game

Consisting of two long chains of nucleotides twisted into a double helix and joined by hydrogen bonds between the complementary bases adenine and thymine or cytosine and guanine, the Rumour Mill's DNA contains all the usual sugars, bases, proteins and what-not, not to mention certain other genetic properties that makes us specifically ... well, us. Scrunch up one eye and peer intently into the microscope with the other and chances are you'll see a lank-haired, uncompromising South American full-back playing head-tennis with a sullen looking Russian striker, while nearby, several foreign spivs in sharp suits and dark glasses shout increasingly large numbers into an array of mobile phones.

But remove the slide from the Thing You Put The Slide On That Goes Underneath The Thing You Look At The Slide Through, replace it with one smeared with the swab you've just taken with the extra long cotton bud you've rolled around the inside of the mouth of Cesc Fábregas and you'll see something different: a teeny-tiny model of Camp Nou, thousands of culés singing Cant del Barça, a hunched Leo Messi scurrying across the ester bond linking one strand to the other. "Barca has his DNA, he knows the club and how things work here," declared his soon-to-be team-mate Xavi yesterday. "The club has denied an agreement with him but we'll see," he said, smirking knowingly, but stopping short of winking conspiratorially or breaking out into the classic "Mwuahahaha ... mwuahahaha ... mwuahahaha" evil laughs from the movies.

Elsewhere in Spain, Sergio Agüero's revelation that while he loves Atletico Madrid, he may not stay there forever, is bound to get the antennae of the few clubs that can afford him twitching. A Rumour Mill staple for so long now that he's come to resemble one of those knackered old horses racing trainers keep on as a pet long after they've retired for no other reason than they like having them around the place, the 21-year-old Argentinian international will continue to be linked with a £40m move to Chelsea or Manchester United until (a) this daily corner of baseless tittle-tattle continues to draw breath or (b) he moves to Chelsea or Manchester United for £40m.

Real Madrid striker, team captain, manager and president Raul, 62, is believed to be considering his future at the Bernabeu and pondering a move to the Big Apple to play for the New York Red Bulls. Mr Real Madrid has found himself marginalised at the Spanish club for whom he's scored 226 goals in 536 appearances and will head off to the US of A to top up his pension.

Manchester United officials are "on the trail" of Benfica's Brazilian defender David Luiz, according to the Daily Mail, who manage to convey the impression that a posse of blazers from Old Trafford are prowling around the car park of the club's Estádio da Luz in the company of a wise native American who signals them to stop every now and again with a raised hand, before hunkering down, touching the ground, sniffing the tips of his fingers and then quietly heading off in the direction of the players' entrance. A central defender who can also slot in at left-back, Luiz already has 24 appearances for Brazil U-20s to his name.

In other Benfica-related news, Portsmouth look set to lose the services of Hassan Yebda, the Algerian midfielder they took on loan from the Portuguese club, because they can't afford the £4m required to buy him outright. They may offer his dressing room peg to Shabani Nonda, who sounds like a sports car you might see Jeremy Clarkson unfolding himself into on Top Gear, but is actually a former Blackburn striker who has just been released by Galatasaray.

Barry Glendenning

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