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Unread 20-11-2009, 10:40 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: Celtic's Scott Brown to Tottenham Hotspur?

Today's Rumours are on their last legs

There are wires coming out of the Mill's nose, monitors sprouting from our manly chest-hair and a team of distressed nurses wiping our fevered brow with cool, damp cloths. The only sound is the beeping of a hundred medical devices, the sotto-voce debate of the ICU consultants conducting an impromptu conference in the corner of the room, and the occasional harsh rasp of the Mill's tortured, laboured breaths. Quite a lot of sound, then.

We are not, it must be said, in a good way. And that is because the idle gossip that provides the Mill with its lifeforce has been forced from the pages of our national press by ACTUAL FOOTBALL, leaving the Mill distressingly weak and getting weaker by the moment. For weeks, simply administering the names "Adam Johnson" and "Sergio Agüero" through an intravenous drip has been enough to sustain us. Not any more.

So the Mill has as good a reason as any brooding Irishman to curse Thierry Henry, the loathsome cheating footballer who couldn't become less popular if he were found to be forcibly keeping a string of sun-starved Swedish sex-slaves in the dungeon of his Barcelona party-pad. The man himself has spoken of his decisive handball in the France v Ireland World Cup play-off. "I won't lie, there was a hand," he said. You won't lie? Well, of course! That would totally offend your rigidly enforced moral code, you honking muddle of logically-illiterate composting turnip-tops.

Not all footballers are overpaid weirdos totally divorced from the reality of modern life. Most are, though, and during a court case involving Obafemi Martins and the ex-Newcastle ace's ex-management, it was claimed yesterday that the striker would often take out £40,000 to see him through a weekend, spend it all in two days and need another £25,000 on the Monday. Incredible – it normally takes us at least three days to work our way through £40,000.

The Sun has an interview with Chris Birchall, the former Brighton midfielder and team-mate of David Beckham at LA Galaxy. "Every time he comes back from international duty he brings a box of crisps and biscuits," he reveals.

Amr Zaki won't be coming to Portsmouth despite a fee being agreed with the Egyptian's club, after Paul Hart expressed worries about the striker's influence on team morale. "Amr loves Portsmouth," says Pompey influence-wielder Sulaiman al-Fahim. "He calls me and wants to be part of the team."

Bolton are willing to pay £7m if they beat off the rival efforts of Tottenham, Everton and Stoke City to steal the heart of Celtic's Scott Brown. Ipswich want to take permaknacked midfield star Kieron Dyer back to his first club from West Ham. And Middlesbrough will replace Adam Johnson with Norwich's Wes Hoolahan, though they might not need to if Chelsea – stalling on a deal for Agüero after Roman Abramovich got cold feet – loan the winger straight back to the Riverside when they sign him in January.

And the placenta-wielding Belgrade-based so-called specialist who treated Robin Van Persie and most of the Liverpool team this week – she was with Yossi Benayoun and Albert Riera until 3am on Wednesday, apparently – has disappeared. "She always wears big lipstick," reports a local bar owner.

And now, our dwindling reserves of energy expended, the Mill is going to settle back and have a bit of a nap while the nurses do their business. Hang on, who's this new doctor? Hasn't she overdone the make-up a bit? Oh my god, what's that quivering bloody mass she's holding? Oh my, that feels good.

Got any real rumours? Deposit them below the line

Simon Burnton

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