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Unread 06-11-2009, 11:40 AM
fred tissue
Default Football transfer rumours: Ruud van Nistelrooy to Tottenham?

Today's rumours are still slogging away

Everyone wants to be No1. Even Terry Wogan, who yesterday launched his bid for Christmas chart success with a version of All You Need Is Love, also featuring Sharon Corr, Bryan Ferry, Brian May, Pink Floyd's Nick Mason and popular one-eyed ursine mascot Pudsey Bear. All you need is love, although in this case total deafness would also come in handy.

The outgoing Radio 2 DJ's rather optimistic battle for the No1 spot casts him as the Tomasz Kuszczak of the hit parade, with whoever wins X Factor destined to play the role of Edwin van der Sar: they know as soon as they show up their position will be meekly surrendered by whoever is pathetically minding it for them in the meantime.

Over at Old Trafford the battle between the real Tomasz Kuszczak and Edwin van der Sar over their own No1 spot has entered a new and dangerous phase with the two goalkeepers apparently "at war". The Pole says his rival "doesn't help me" and "doesn't like me", and it's got so bad that he actually might leave sometime. "I've waited three years. I will wait longer but my ambition is so big and I want to have a nice feeling after games, be tired and go home and think, 'you did a good job'."

If you're interested, the role of Ben Foster in the race for seasonal chart success is being played by Dame Vera Lynn.

Ruud van Nistelrooy is itching for a move back to the Premier League. Or anywhere else where someone can match his £100,000-a-week wage demands. "In January I can negotiate," he predicted. "I'm fully fit now, healthy physically and mentally." And that, it seems, is good enough for Tottenham.

"I want the final say," is Alex McLeish's stance on transfers after the new Birmingham owner Carson Yeung decided to buy Andriy Shevchenko. He is vying with Bolton's Gary Megson for Newcastle's £4m-rated home-grown goal-grabber Andy Carroll.

"I don't have the final say," is Gordon Strachan's take on the Middlesbrough winger Adam Johnson's future, with Premier League scouts smearing themselves all round the prolific winger like mushed banana on an infant's screaming visage.

The Derby defender Jay McEveley has revealed that he "died" for two minutes during a routine operation last month. "When they told me it was a shock, to say the least," he said. Cruelly, he refused to reveal what was on the other side. Flashing lights? Pearly gates? Empty blackness? We are none the wiser. "Ten or 20 seconds is bad enough – but two minutes is just scary. I'm just happy to be here," he adds.

Barcelona and Manchester City officials are meeting in Abu Dhabi next Wednesday to discuss the Robinho transfer. City want to replace him with a similar but older grinning Brazilian twinkle-toed sometime genius, in the shape of Milan's Ronaldinho.

Meanwhile, on TribalFootball.com, a glorious case of intro not matching quote. "Portsmouth boss Paul Hart admits they will need to sign a new striker in January," the story trumpets. "If we do anything, there will be priorities. A striker might be one, or maybe another position. Who's to say that January is a good time to buy players anyway? Historically, it's not," says Hart.

Liverpool's owners are preparing to scoop £100m with a new rights issue, and will fund their manager's transfer-based desires, which include the 22-year-old Dutch midfielder Eljero Elia, who only joined Hamburg in August from FC Twente. So desperate are the Reds to agree the deal, they'll do all the paperwork in January but let him stay in Germany until the end of the season. But don't get your hopes up, Liverpool fans: the Anfield legend (well, he played in a good team) Ronnie Whelan reckons that if Rafael Benítez wants him, this Elia's bound to be abysmal – "his judgment in the transfer market has been awful," he parped.

Hang on, everyone – it's Darren Bent's Twitter latest! "Watching michael jacksons home video's an elizabeth taylor has just bought him an elephant as a surprise straight to his ranch wow cash"


Leave your own scurrilous gossip below the line as usual
Simon Burnton

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