There's a transcript of a crisis meeting that took place at Old Trafford this morning between Moyes and the board that seems to have leaked and is doing the rounds:
Quote:
(David Moyes and Jimmy Lumsden are seated at the end of the boardroom table facing several members of the board. David apologises for Phil Neville’s absence – apparently he’s been left in the crèche downstairs where he’s happily playing with his Gameboy. Apologies are also given for Steve Round’s absence. David explains that he’s taken the players on a 30 mile run. Sir Bobby Charlton has taken his position in his favourite wingback chair in the corner and is contentedly knitting away. Sir Alex Ferguson is absent from the meeting and no reason is given. The meeting commences with a few gentle questions but it’s not long before the agenda progresses to the most pressing issues)
David Moyes: You seem surprised by my methods.
Unnamed board member: I am David. I didn't realise you had any ‘methods’.
David Moyes: Of course I have. How else do you think I'm directing the team during games?
Unnamed board member: Our team is directed?
David Moyes: Yes. I'm fully in control of directing the team with one eye on my future plans.
Unnamed board member: Would those plans involve paying ridiculous amounts for countless Everton rejects until we’re relegated, attendances are down 75% and the club is facing complete obliteration?
David Moyes (looking slightly wrongfooted): How could you possibly know that? Only myself, Jimmy Lumsden and Jimmy's mother are aware of the ‘plan’. I keep the blueprints safely stored on the Commodore 64 in the transfer bunker y’see.
(at this point, some board members turn to look at each other in a surprised manner)
Unnamed board member: It doesn't take a genius to figure out does it really David?
Ed Woodward: Sorry to interrupt, but is there anything Ed can do to help? Anything at all David? Ed wants to help you.
David Moyes: Well aye, I could use a few more whiteboards maybe. And Phil wants a new pack of crayons.
Ed Woodward: Okay David, consider it done. Not a problem. Ed is on it. Ed will do it.
Unnamed board member (glaring at Ed Woodward and looking somewhat bemused): Erm okay, fine. Hmmm. Anyway. Moving on. Let’s get on to your current tactics shall we David? Now, let me guess. Would these ‘tactics’ involve randomly selecting your team on a game by game basis by pulling their names out of Jimmy's flat cap, playing as many of them out of position as you possibly can and changing your setup and approach every five minutes throughout each game until every member of the team is so totally confused that they don't even remember what football is?
David Moyes (looking mortified): Have you been earwigging? Has one of the players been up here? How could you possibly know about my tactics?
Unnamed board member: Because they are the same tactics you used during the last game and the 30 games before that David.
David Moyes (excitedly): Ex-ex-exactly. That's what so brilliant about them laddie. We'll catch opposing teams totally off guard. Doing what we've done the previous thirty times is the last thing any team will expect us to do next time.
(some members of the board shuffle in their seats uncomfortably)
Unnamed board member (sighs resignedly and turns to Jimmy Lumsden): What about you Jimmy? Do you have anything to say?
Jimmy Lumsden: Feck off! Drink!
Unnamed board member: Excuse me?
Jimmy Lumsden: ARSE!
(the majority of the board members present now look hideously uncomfortable. Suddenly the door flies open and Phil Neville enters, tears flowing, looking clearly distressed)
Phil Neville: Uncle Daveeeeeeeee. They’re all picking on me. One of them took my Gameboy and said I’m not very good at football. Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
David Moyes (rolls his eyes, looking exacerbated): For god’s sake, not now Philip. Can’t you see I’m busy?
Phil Neville: But Uncle Daveeeeeeeee. They’re being so meannnnnnn.
Jimmy Lumsden: Stupid boy! ARSE!
Sir Bobby Charlton (shakily): Jimmy, I find your language offensive. It’s the sort of thing I would expect from Jose Mourinho and those strange foreign types maybe, but it’s not what we do here at this club. Could you please be more polite?
Jimmy Lumsden: FECK OFF!
Sir Bobby Charlton (looking more uncertain and mumbling): I… I.. I don’t know what to say. Never in my life. (turns to Phil Neville) Come here Philip. Come to Granddad Bobby and have a Werther’s Original. That’ll cheer you up Son.
Phil Neville (looking stubborn and ready to break into a full on tantrum): NO. I WANT UNCLE DAVE.
(At this point the meeting has descended into chaos. David Moyes shakes his head and apologises to the board before leaving the room with Phil Neville. At this point, one board member asks the administrator present to stop the recording and to stop taking notes)
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No indication yet as to how it ended, but it's look pretty promising. What do you reckon?
Looks like things are happening in the boardroom
26-03-2014, 02:43 PM
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