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Mr Chelsea ? Mr Chumpsea more like |
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When that belm was strutting forward to take the penalty I turned to my brother and said "it makes you £#%&!ing sick doesn't it". He was the worst possible @#%&! to score a winning penalty in the final, but oxymoronically he was the best possible @#%&! to miss it |
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The 2nd half was far more even and chelsea hit the woodwork but we should have been 3-1 up at that stage and over the hill. Then Ronaldo missing his pen despite having the season of his life seemed like some sort of cruel irony. Thank £#%&! he slipped over. |
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John Terry’s bravest moments
Everyone knows John Terry is brave. He was reportedly not happy on his England debut when he found out the crest on his shirt was only going to have three lions, because by that stage, everyone knew he was statistically as brave as fourteen lions. What’s more, lion numbers in Africa have declined by about 50% over the last few decades and they only live to be about 13 years old, so you do the math(s). Soon, John Terry will be as brave as all the lions on the planet put together. Things John Terry is as brave as: 1. Fourteen lions 2. The entirety of Her Majesty’s Armed Forces 3. Every single man that walked on the Moon 4. The whole room at that hotel at the Colman’s Mustard Bravery Awards that Alan Partridge presented an award at. Ruddy, bloody brave. But what’s the bravest thing he’s done? It’s necessary to get specifics on items of such importance. We all know that. So here’s a top three list of the bravest things Chelsea’s Brave John Terry has done over the years. 1. 2001 - Laughing at Americans in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks It’s important to remain a sense of humour around a tragedy. It’s what makes us uniquely British. Only the truly brave would throw peanuts around and generally laugh and joke when in the company of Americans watching an attack on their homeland unfold on television in a hotel bar. After all, if you don’t laugh about these things, you’ll only cry, right? And that’s what those firemen were doing when they were scrambling through the rubble searching for dead people. Crying. Crying a lot. Bravery rating - 9.0/10.0 2. 2002 - Parking his Bentley in a disabled bay Bravery is a disability, right? Of course, if you are brave to a fault like our man is, it can actually become a burden. Therefore, despite being a professional athlete and in the prime of his life physically, The Courageous One was well within his rights to park his £100,000 car in a disabled bay and there is no way on Earth the parking warden should have slapped that £60 fine on him. What a cowardly move from a cowardly normal man. It makes us sick that we live in a world where someone so cowardly can pass judgement on someone so brave. Still, our man retained dignity throughout by dealing with his stress by subsequently having sex with a 17-year-old Chelsea fan in the back of the car. Or was that another incident? We can’t remember. It’s probably not that important. Anyway, BRAVE. Bravery rating - 8.0/10.0 3. 2005 - Urinating at the bar in a nightclub Bravely keeping the toilet in a nightclub clear for other revellers, our courageous hero decided to whip his old chap out and take a slash into a pint glass instead of heading to the gents. And why not? The man is in the public eye, there would be an unholy rush to catch a glimpse of our hero and his brave #@&%! should he approach the toilet and act like everyone else and then regular people, who aren’t as brave as him, would have to queue and undoubtedly would have been caught short. Bravo! Bravery rating - 7.8/10.0 And we didn’t even get round to talking about when he stuck his face on Abou Diaby’s boot in the Carling Cup Final that time. Oh, go on then. He is the captain of our hearts. Appreciate him. Worship him. Love him. Strive to be as brave as him. |
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