Unwritten Rules of Football

Even if the ball just slightly brushes a defenders foot before reaching the keeper, the opposition and fans must appeal strongly that it was a back-pass.

Players already on a yellow card who are playing for a small club against a big club are exempt from receiving a second yellow, regardless of what offences they commit.

If a small club plays a big club and has one shot early on, said small club shall be declared 'unlucky' afterwards, regardless of what ensues in the rest of the match.

If the ball touches any part of a player's body apart from his legs, the opposition supporters must appeal vociferously for handball and then boo and whistle for 15 minutes afterwards when it is inevitably not given.

When foreign players get booked they must do the 'hands together in a praying motion' towards the ref and look innocent.

When the fans start cheering every pass, your team will notice this and thus carry on making superflous passes if only to prolong the cheering.

When a team is playing a 1000 miles away from their home town & people have paid hundreds of pounds to see them & chanted support throughout the game for said players. They players at the end of the game have to be reminded to go over the the fans by the team captain to clap & say thanks for 10 £#%&!in seconds!

When a team kicks the ball out if one of their players is injured, the crowd has to clap when the other team gives the ball back from the restart even though doing otherwise would be blatant cheating.

After making a spectacular save, a goalkeeper has to shout at the nearest defender to berate him for allowing the shot in the first place and pretend that making the save means absolutely nothing to him.

Great thread this.

When the team bus leaves the hotel on cup final day, the pictures from the helicopter overhead will start to break up within the first 10 seconds and within the minute the link will be lost entirely.

The Cup Final ball will appear on tv programmes all week, then, whoever is the £#%&!wit presenter of the day, they'll be followed on a special journey in a helicopter to the stadium and it will be delivered to a fanfare of publicity 'going live to 796 countries around the world'. The game will then kick off, the ball will immediately go out of play and a ballboy will lob a totally different ball back in to the player taking the throw-in.

Now the final is moving back to Wembley, players will start to go down with cramp after about 17 minutes, due to the Wembley grass being different to any other grass ever grown before.

In the week preceding FA Cup fixtures, the BBC must seek out a butcher, plumber or similar who plays for a non-league team still in the competition. An interview must take place, during which the phrases 'hallowed turf', 'those famous steps' and 'the magic of the cup' must be mentioned a minimum of three times each.

If you put your hands behind your back, you can get in the ref's face and hassle him for any amount of time without getting a caution.

Whenever a new England kit is launched, there has to be a national debate about the price of football kits. A single mum with three sons then has to be wheeled out on GMTV, saying she can't afford to buy the kits and now her kids will get bullied in school for not having the new shirt.

When a player scores against his long-served former club, he has to pretend he's attending a close relative's funeral. Simply not celebrating is nowhere near good enough as he has to actually look sorry for scoring and ignore the wild celebrations of all his team-mates jumping on top of him.

The keeper must bounce the ball a couple of times before kicking it out of his hand.

During every World Cup, John Motson will say at least once, "I'm sorry to have to report Trevor but there seems to be a disturbance behind the goal to our right".

British commentators and pundits are forbidden from expressing any humour in relation to streakers.

Mexican cameramen must at all times seek out sexually attractive women to focus on during World Cup matches.

If a player fouls someone around the halfway line to halt a counter attack, Andy Gray will say "Ooh he knew what he was doing there...he'll take a yellow for the team"

what a brilliant thread this is

ronnie radford will be mentioned every year even if hereford arent playing ..

The fans of teams like Newcastle, Manchester City and Liverpool must be praised endlessly by the commentaters for managing to half fill their ground, phrases like "hot bed of football in these parts" and "These fans turn out no matter what time the kick off" must be uttered as the camera pans the empty seats.

The fact that 7600+ turn out at Old Trafford every game must never under any circumstances be mentioned at all, unless making a quip about all the fans being from London.

When signing for a new club, a player must do a couple of keepy ups on the pitch before holding a club shirt for the camera.

The said player must then give an interview in which he says he has supported the club he is about to join since he was a kid.

In the first couple of minutes of a match there are no bookable offences. Players can make outrageous tackles and simply get a warning for later.

If a small club draws a big team in the cup, every person in the town must attend that game even though the last league game attracted a crowd of just 500.

The BBC will film a peice at the local Greggs in the town who have made special gingerbread men with club colours and a football to commemorate the occasion.

if a fan runs on the pitch and approaches a player, every pundit must say "he could have had a knife".

when a player is sent off, he must untuck his shirt as he trudges of the pitch, looking at the floor.

a supporter ringing in to five live who lives nowhere near the team he supports but travels up every week is "commendable" and "a true fan". unless he's a united fan, then he's a glory hunter.