Your football embarrassment

Any body who has ever played the beautiful game must have at least one

Own goal, missed penalty, shit stain in your shorts


Whats yours

I think mine amongst loads is

We were playing a team above us who liked to put it about. We didnt mind a rumble as a team and it was quite heated. Nothing silly but a hard game.

Half time they bring on this old white haired £#%&!er

The games drawing to a stalemate in the score department but a few quid on its way to the FA


Im tackled (badly) and the ref plays on. As I get uo I decide to flick my foot at the lad who tackled me who is still on the deck.

I mean flick, not stamp or boot, in fact me Mam hit me harder.

The silly old @#%&! with white hair comes over and butts me ( bang on the money) and Im decked

His son was the lad I has tapped on the deck

Fare play to his old fella it was a cracker

The lads ripped £#%&! out of me cos the old boy had put me away

I aint no hard man and I guess you had to be there

The old snotter has never been right since


@#%&!s



anymore for anymore

Bit of a handbags do in our box but the wee man goalkeeper decides that other teams big lad was pushing his chin out too much. Wee man turns into Rocky Balboa and bang on the money. Result - broken hand and 4 weeks in plaster.

Originally Posted by wee man

Bit of a handbags do in our box but the wee man goalkeeper decides that other teams big lad was pushing his chin out too much. Wee man turns into Rocky Balboa and bang on the money. Result - broken hand and 4 weeks in plaster.

we had a training session where our right back hurt himself. We called him a soft @#%&! and made him go in sticks til the session was over. We laughed like £#%&! as he hobbled back to the dressing rooms and then into the pub. poor @#%&! had broken his ankle , it was like a £#%&!in balloon in the boozer but we made him stay to get his round when he was obviously near to passing out

Originally Posted by HarkNowHear

As I get uo I decide to flick my foot at the lad who tackled me who is still on the deck.

I mean flick, not stamp or boot, in fact me Mam hit me harder.

i am picturing Beckham V Argentina, was Kim Morten Nilson reffing?

Originally Posted by thatsfuctit

i am picturing Beckham V Argentina, was Kim Morten Nilson reffing?

even softer than that


Pissed up George was the ref

Playing one day and other teams player goes down injured. Play goes on(the good old days) until ball goes out. Right back retrieves ball and prepares to take throw in. Centre half utters the following words

"Throw it to me till I kick it out - they've a man hurt"

Originally Posted by wee man

Playing one day and other teams player goes down injured. Play goes on(the good old days) until ball goes out. Right back retrieves ball and prepares to take throw in. Centre half utters the following words

"Throw it to me till I kick it out - they've a man hurt"

Getting changed next to a lad and he pulls his boots out of a tesco bag and they £#%&!ing stink, like something you've never smelt before. Turned out the lad had stood on a dead mole the week before and never cleaned his boots just left them in his bag until that morning - no wonder his nickname was "Gormless Greg"

When I was 11 I'd scored two beauties and was having a great game. I'd never scored a hat-trick before and I was desperate to do so.

With a few minutes to go the ball was crossed quickly into the box. It flashed past the keeper and I was left at the back post with an empty goal to knock it into. The ball was in the air but it only needed a tap and I was about 3 yards out. The pressure was too much for me as I realised this was my chance to finally score a hat-trick.

I bricked it. Sliced it completely and sent it wide when it was easier to score.

I was so ashamed and upset that I faked injury and sulked the whole way home.

Originally Posted by Leroyloverod

Getting changed next to a lad and he pulls his boots out of a tesco bag and they £#%&!ing stink, like something you've never smelt before. Turned out the lad had stood on a dead mole the week before and never cleaned his boots just left them in his bag until that morning - no wonder his nickname was "Gormless Greg"

Brilliant. A dead mole!

I used to play left-back (cos I'm left footed) and this one day the right winger has skinned me and the keeper has come rushing out. I've cut inside to "try" and cover the goal line and the winger hits it early and from a Sparky/Rotterdam angle (only not quite as hard). Cue me rushing into the box as the ball hits the far post and rebounds to me and I hit it full whack in my stride from about 8 yards into the empty net. Class finish though.

used to play for shell carrington, home pitch was where citehs training ground is now

big open field, £#%&!ing freezing at the best of times, but this day was gale force, but playable

manager brings out a bottle of "fiery jack", i apply it liberally to hands, legs and neck - lovely and warm

5 to 3, just about to trot out, when i feel the need for a gypsies

give the old fella a bit of a shake, adjust the foreskin - £#%&! me, felt like a bunsen burner on me #@&%!, forgot the fiery jack on me hands

ran round like a @#%&! for the first 5 minutes, only form of relief was by slipping it out of the side of my shorts to get some cold air on it

centre half did not man mark me, that was a bonus

Everytime I play football it's an embarassment.

Originally Posted by no fun

used to play for shell carrington, home pitch was where citehs training ground is now

big open field, £#%&!ing freezing at the best of times, but this day was gale force, but playable

manager brings out a bottle of "fiery jack", i apply it liberally to hands, legs and neck - lovely and warm

5 to 3, just about to trot out, when i feel the need for a gypsies

give the old fella a bit of a shake, adjust the foreskin - £#%&! me, felt like a bunsen burner on me #@&%!, forgot the fiery jack on me hands

ran round like a @#%&! for the first 5 minutes, only form of relief was by slipping it out of the side of my shorts to get some cold air on it

centre half did not man mark me, that was a bonus

£#%&! off twinky

Originally Posted by HarkNowHear

£#%&! off twinky

it was the early 80`s

the shorts were like those gold ones kylie wore

couple of years ago playing on a sunday after a night on the LSD. We're 1-0 down in a cup game with 5 mins to go.

We get a PK. I'm the kicker. Have been taking them all season and havent missed one all year.

Little voice in my head as i step up to take it goes "you've been on the acid; you going to £#%&! this up"

The ball was last seen orbiting Saturn with a dead seagull attached to it.

Originally Posted by no fun

it was the early 80`s

the shorts were like those gold ones kylie wore

I cant get you outta my head

Originally Posted by Lou_Macari_Chippy

couple of years ago playing on a sunday after a night on the LCD. We're 1-0 down in a cup game with 5 mins to go.

We get a PK. I'm the kicker. Have been taking them all season and havent missed one all year.

Little voice in my head as i step up to take it goes "you've been on the acid; you going to £#%&! this up"

The ball was last seen orbiting Saturn with a dead seagull attached to it.

Have 1 of those up there. Manchester league semi final, last seen orbiting Moor Road

My first and last game as a centre back (I was a winger ffs) for a team I had been training with for 6 months but only just got registered and allowed to play. It was a £#%&!ing nightmare. Tried to take the ball out of the box with a fancy trick first time, ball went past me and their striker got it 1-0. He went on to score a hatrick and made a show of me.

But I still maintain it was the dope of manager's fault.

so long ago i we were playing in black and white....

i was defending a corner at the near post......shit corner, daisy cutter rolling slowly towards the post.......me thinking it was gonna hit the post and go out, i decided to leave it.....turning away already looking to go upfield, to my horror the ball hits my shin, hits the inside of the post and in

4-4 cup game....forced us into extra time........which we went on to lose 4-5

Originally Posted by denis lawless

me thinking it was gonna hit the post and go out

That seems a perfectly safe and reasonable assumption. Can't believe it went wrong for you.

Originally Posted by denis lawless

so long ago i we were playing in black and white....

i was defending a corner at the near post......shit corner, daisy cutter rolling slowly towards the post.......me thinking it was gonna hit the post and go out, i decided to leave it.....turning away already looking to go upfield, to my horror the ball hits my shin, hits the inside of the post and in

4-4 cup game....forced us into extra time........which we went on to lose 4-5

That is disgraceful.